This article was written in about 2002...
One Day at a Time - Dispelling the ‘Super mum’ Myth
Session inspired by title of same name by Michelle Warner and Necia McBride GFNZ
Gold Coast GFA Conference presentation:
Joan Grosser and Heather McEwan
Introduction
When I (Heather) consider this title, I realize I want to know two conflicting things. First, I want to be told I don’t HAVE to be a supermum, but second I want to be told HOW I can be a supermum!!!
The word “Supermum” brings certain images to mind. There is much we find impressive and sometimes intimidating in women we admire.
She seems to be able to DO so much!
Perhaps balancing work and home, relationships and activity. Intelligent, beautiful, adept, creative, happy and has accomplishments galore.
The Christian Supermum can appear all this and more!
She has lengthy, daily devotions and prayer times! She is involved in Church and school or is perhaps homeschooling.
She has a beautiful home that she decorates with home crafts, she exercises daily, looks gorgeous whenever you see her and has people in her home for meals every other night.
She has 12 perfectly behaved children, is as slim as a rake, never looks flustered and has a husband who adores her.
She sleeps 4 hours a night and irons, cooks, completes hobby projects and spends time with her husband each evening.
She volunteers at the local hospital,fundraises for chaplaincy, and plays piano for services.
She does all her home baking, grists her wheat for her bread, waters 200 trees each morning by hand, never spends money on herself and dresses quietly in designer clothes.
She is a full time stay at home mum who goes on mission trips to Africa to offer her expertise as a nurse and does the books for her husband’s business and never has to add a column twice. She teaches Scripture in schools, bungee jumps for fun on the weekends and is writing a book in her spare time.
Ridiculous? Yes!!
Yet our perceptions of those we admire can be equally so. The tendency to measure the strengths of others against our own weakness can be soul destroying.
That was a composite of things I admire in a dozen or more women!
Word Meanings and Scripture Base
The word “Supermum” is neither in the dictionary or the Bible.
A myth is untrue.
A major myth we attach to women we perceive as ‘supermums’ is that everything is easy for her. But as every mother knows, what we have to do in a day is rarely that!
Dictionarymeanings in this context:
• Super as a prefix means “superior to” or “over”.
• Super as an adjective means “of a superior quality or grade, extremely fine orpleasing”
Which version of a super mum do you want to be?
Now none of us want to be superior to one another - but certainly I know, I want to be pleasing to the Lord.
When we perceive superiority in another woman, does that draw us or frighten us? Would we tend to advance or withdraw our friendship?
As Christian women living in a fallen world, every one of us have a different time and story of how we came to the Lord. We all have differing measures of worldly views still at work in us. We are to renew our minds according to the will of God.
The worldly view of a Supermum is both distorted and incomplete. No longer does the world value mothering and home making. No longer does it regard lives of self sacrificing love in high esteem.
The Christian Supermum is vastly different to the worldly version.
While the word may not appear in the Bible, we do have examples of them. Here are awell known few.
• Mary, mother of Jesus
• TheProverbs 31 woman -often referred to as “The Virtuous Woman”
Very different stories, yet all with superb qualities.
Words like wisdom, courage and faith come to mind.
Virtue in the dictionary is: Moral excellence or goodness, conformity of life and conduct to moral laws.
TheVirtuous Woman in Proverbs 31 is an IDEAL. We don’t have to be all that she is. However the principles that govern her actions should also govern ours. Reactionsto her can be varied. We can be intimidated. Overwhelmed. Depressed! Dismissive.
I prefer to be motivated!!
Duty vs Devotion
GKGW talks about honouring parents out of duty or devotion. Principle is the same in the outworking ofour faith-works for the Heavenly Father.
“TRYING”
1Cor 1: 17 For Christ did not send me to baptise, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest thecross of Christ be emptied of it’s power. For the message of the cross is foolishnessto those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
Human wisdom or duty can never bring lasting satisfaction or change.
The energy that flows from devotion sustains.
The energy that is forced through duty wearies.
If you are tired of the ‘try harder- failure - guilt cycle, God’s life in us is the only answer.
The Umbrella of Protection
God’s promises are true. For too long we’ve heard the promises preached without the ‘string attached’. The promises ofGod are usually linked with the need for our obedience. When we step out of obedience, we step out ofHis protection. We can name, claim,bind, loose, pray, and plead till we’re blue in the face. He is not obligated when we are outside Hiswill.
James4:17 “ So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, tohim it is sin”
It’snot enough to ‘not do the don’ts’. We also have to be ‘doing the do’s’!
1John 3:21 “Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him.”
If our conscience prickle us, we must take care of it! If we are in known disobedience, we must take care of it.
How do we live a life of God love rather than dry duty?
- Submission to His will and ways.
- Obedience wherever He shines His light in ourlives.
- Openness and teachability.
He will allow us to get ‘wet in the rain’.
The more fierce the storm, the more fiercely we need His protection.
Read Pslam 91. We must choose to stay there.
PS 91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. If you make the Most High your dwelling--even the LORD, who is my refuge-- then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."
How do we get started and not be overwhelmed? We start with baby steps.
Over time it may seem like three steps forward, 2 steps back, and thats OK!
A Matter of Priorities
Priorities
“Happiness is not so dependent onwhether we do what we like, but rather, whether we like what we do.”
“The things which matter most mustnever be at the mercy of the things which matter least.”
(Quote Stephen Covey)
Priority ranking from ‘Women’s Study Bible’.
1. Your personal relationship toJesus Christ.
2. Your commitment to home andfamily - a) spouse b) children and c) extended family.
3. Your responsibility to employerand tasks assigned.
4. Your service to God throughministries in the church and in the community.
Jesus must have first place in our lives. We need His perspective in every other area of life.
Keeping God in first place invites Him to participate 100% in our life. and breaks thevicious cycle.
Activity is not a substitute for relationship.
Time allocated is not necessarily an indication of right priority.
How do we give God priority?
a)Prayer
b)Bible study
c)Fellowship
d)Lifestyle
e)Choices
Gods Calling
We must operate in the call He has placed on our lives. Neither shall we ignore that call nor shall we attempt to live someone else’s call.
There is confidence, peace and security in His calling.
He has equipped you for this time and place in history. All the days ordained for thee were written in the book before ONE of them came into being... no portion of your life comes as a surprise to Him.
Seasons of Life
“A woman can have it all - just not all at once”
Priorities don’t change but the seasons do.
Gods Gifts and calling are without repentance. Your gifting may not change, butthe way you use it may according to the season you are in.
Tools
There are a vast number of tools available to help us learn to function better and equip us with practical help. In this session we wanted to take you deeper. It’s of limited value to give you thetools you need but gloss over or omit the Source of power.
Own this for your self. At the back of your outline, there is a list of recommended reading. Don’t wait to be spoon fed. Goout from this conference and look into these great tools yourself.
Comparisons to others are destructive.
Everyone of us has a unique set of gifts and talents. Use your own, and don’t try to replicate another’s.
Comparison of another’s strength, gifting or possessions destroys our contentment.
Comparison of our strength to another’s weakness breeds contempt and is fuelled by pride.
It is great to hold another in esteem, but know they too are human. If you place someone on a pedestal in your mind, sooner or later you’ll find out they don’t belong there. This can be devastating and even lead to a faith crisis.
Love,honour and learn from others you admire, but don’t put the expectation ofperfection on them.
Don’t:
- Use strength of others as an excuse. “It’s easy for her, so I won’t even try.”
- Use pride as an excuse “I can’t do it as well as her and I don't want others to see that, so I wont try”.
- Minimise the efforts of others (and inflate your opinion of self) by ridiculing their efforts.
Do:
- Look for what you can learn. “She’s strong in this area...what can I learn from her to apply to my life?”
- Rejoice for her!! (Same principle we teach our kids with siblings!)
- Put yourself inthe company and under the instruction of Titus 2 type women.
Time goes by so fast.
We've had our oldest daughter for possibly more than 1/2 her time with us.
Know that time is both short and temporary.
Eph 5:15-17 Look carefully then to how you walk! Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and witless,but as wise (sensible, intelligent people), making the most of the time (buyingup each opportunity), because the days are evil. Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless andfoolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lordis. (AMP)
What proportion of your oldest child’schildhood has passed already?
Eternal Perspective
I used to grieve for the passing of time with my children This grief was alleviated in an instant (at the time when I was ready to receive this comfort from God)
I saw somw women grieving in interview over the passing of time. One of them said intears how she “Just wished she could stop time”.
We can have ETERNITY with our loved ones.
What is our bottom line, our ultimate heart desire for our children? To see their salvation!
2 Tim 3 14- 15 But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have becomeconvinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holyScriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith inChrist Jesus.
If time passing makes you sad / panic let those feelings motivate you to put your whole self into their heart training, to fulfil all that is our part in seeing that come to pass.
The other reason for grief over time passing for me at least is GUILT. If my time is poorly spent (priorities out of order) I mistake guilt for grief.
I have stepped out of the umbrella of protection!
PraiseGod, guilt and condemnation are not where He leaves us. These things are to point us to the place ofconviction where we can enter into repentance and restoration and the place ofpeace and security under His wings.
2Cor 7: 10-11a Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, butworldly sorrow brings death. See whatthis godly sorrow has produced in you:what earnestness, what eagerness to clearyourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, whatreadiness to see justice done.
Our culture has swung away from the idea of self sacrifice. We must find a balance.
With an eternal perspective sacrifices become easy.
Spiritualising child centred or permissive parenting and calling it sacrifice is wrong.
Operating in what may be essentially a parent centred home and deceiving ourselves in to thinking our children are welcome members, is equally wrong.
Parenting requires sacrifice on our part. No ifs or buts about it. It takes a sacrifice perhaps of a personal interest for a season of life in order to build what is needed into the lives of our children. It does take precious amounts of time to teach, train and build relationship.
So what does a Parent Centred home look like?
- Overcontrol. Kidswith insufficient freedoms.
- Angry children through developmental frustration
- Parental agenda in first place, always.
- Children carrying the parents load. Emotionally or through chores.
Love and it’s Opposite the opposite of love is not hate. Its selfishness. Love is about the good of another. If it’s not about the good of the other, it’sabout self.
A Sigh of Relief
Know the limits of you parental responsibility. God is responsible for the harvest. Our job is to sow the seed. Trying or expecting control over the harvest is futile.
We must look towards Jesus as our Source. When we seek first HIS KINGDOM all the rest will be added to us.
Encourage yourself by looking towards our OWN progress. Comparisons don’t encourage. They inflate (pride) or deflate (discourage).
Prov31:18 a) SHE KNOWS SHE’S DOING WELL
AMP 31: 18 a) She tastes and sees that thegain from her work (with and for God) isgood.
27 a) She looks well to howthings go in her household
Galations6:4 (AMP) “But let every person carefully scrutinise andexamine and test his own conduct and his own work. He can then have the personal satisfactionand joy of doing something commendable(in itself alone) without (resorting to)boastful comparison with his neighbour.”
Perfectionism
What we see in Proverbs 31 is CHARACTERIZATION. God never expects us to be perfect. The Proverbs 31 woman isn’t in Scripture to make us feel guilty. She’s there to give be a Godly model.
Priorities are the vehicle to success.
Conviction is the fuel.
God is love. He is patient, He is gentle.`
Isaiah40:1 He will feed His flock like a shepherd: He will gather the lambs in His arm, He will carry them in His bosom and will gently lead those that have their young.
Just as we love, correct and train our children...so God does with us. He is constantly by our side. He asks us to live within His limits. There are consequences when we stray outside them. But He will seek out His lost sheep and welcome them home.
Hewill never leave us or forsake us. Hewill whisper words of love and invitation... if only we will attune our ears to
hear.
When You Find Yourself Flagging
Don’t get caught back into merely trying harder- refuel by:
- Getting back tobasics and coming before the Lord.
- Examining your priorities
- Examining areasof resistance or submission to Him
- Giving your convictions a boost .
- Don’t go it alone. The Father knows we need fellowship and accountability. Get into or start a small group for that purpose! Get along to church and other encouragement events. Take responsibility to keep this up as an ongoing thing. Don’t wait till you run out of fuel...refuel before grinding to a dead halt.
- Read, listen, fellowship and pray.
One Day at a Time
Remember - baby steps.
Mathew6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
Don’t waste time worrying. Use time wisely,build, train, teach PRAY.
Keep returning to priorities if you think you’ve gone off course
Steven Covey ahs a chapter in a book titled “Healthy families are off course 90% of the time So What?” He's making the point that do much of the time we will be somewhat off track but if we know the destination we are heading for and keep on making adjustments- we will get there. Just like an aeroplane does not have its nose pointed exactly in the direction of the destination - it has to make allowances for turbulance, regulations on air space, mountains and cloud etc - it keeps on adjusting and it makes it.
“This is not a contest or a conquest...it is a process” (Lisa Bevere)
To Finish
“Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow. ‘Phillis’ writes...
“I want to live my life very purposefully, regularly reviewing and praying over my purpose in life, loving God intensely, cherishing and inspiring my husband, praying for and keeping connected spiritually with my children, loving women and seeking to lay spiritual foundations in their lives.
I want to live faithfully, believing God for what I cannot see. I want to believe that God can do in my children’s lives what I cannot do.
I want to live creatively, creating beauty and warmth in my home, around my table, and in my Bible study. Creativity adds sparkle to a focused, purposeful life.
I want to live paradoxically. I want to go against my selfish nature,against our culture, giving a little bit more that I feel like giving, going the second mile, being like Jesus”
Prov 31: 25 (AMP) Strength and dignity are her clothing andher position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future (the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it.
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The Supermum Myth